Pastor Lynn Spoon
May 17, 2023
What About Anger?
What About Anger?
We have all experienced anger, and we all have opinions about it. We may encourage ourselves to get the anger out, while feeling terrified when other people do the same.
Is the quality of anger different because of gender?
“Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.” Prov. 21:19
Why are women encouraged to get sad, but not angry?
“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.” Prov. 22:24-25
Are men angrier than women?
Why are men encouraged to get angry, but not sad?
We all suffer from our lack of Information about healthy anger.
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Prov. 15:1
Anger is universal. “An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins.” Prov. 29:22
Attitudes about anger, and the rules we have learned that govern those attitudes and our behavior, can put us in conflict with other cultures. Some cultures produce people who believe in venting, in letting it all out. Other cultures advocate emotional restraint to the point where a public display of anger would bring shame upon the family.
There are also personal differences. Some people like to rant and rave when they get angry. Some people get quiet when they get angry.
Anger is rarely a specific, single emotion that is causing us pain and trouble. Do you become afraid when you get angry? Is anger the cause of your problem, or the result?
Let’s look at the role of anger and how it ties to Forgiving.
The Roots of Anger
Our angry responses seem to be provoked by three basic things:
1. Life situations
2. Other people and their behaviors
3. Our attitudes and beliefs
Wouldn’t it have been nice to have been told by parents and teachers that it is okay to feel love, anger, resentment, hatred, fear, joy, jealousy, and many other emotional feelings?
Many of us were never able to express Any Emotions in a healthy way.
What is there to be angry about? Why is there so much anger around?
There are a few undeniable truths that really make us angry:
We get angry because we can’t’ be what we want to be when we grow up.
We get angry because we think we deserve it all and we only get a portion of it.
We get angry because life is not fair.
We get angry because we can’t successfully control or manipulate other people, places, or things.
We get angry because we have to die.
Was the expression of anger taboo in my family?
Was anger the only emotion I was allowed to express?
What are some of the things that make me angry?
What about myself makes me angry?
Complete this sentence: I get angry when other people…
When I imagine expressing my anger, I fear…
"But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, “Raca”, is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, “You fool!” will be in danger of the fire of hell.” . Matt. 5:22 (NIV)
“And I tell you that if you are only angry, even in your own home, you are in danger of judgment! If you call your friend an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse him, you are in danger of the fires of hell.” (LB)
What can I do Instead of Getting Angry
Make a list of things you do instead of getting angry:
Despite how scary or unpopular the expression of anger is, it may be better than some of these substitutes: Getting violent, having an affair, Engaging in brutal gossip, Denying that anger exists, Rationalizing our refusal to accept anger, Offering unsolicited advice to provoke others into anger. Stuffing other feelings down in an attempt to avoid anger, Indulging in raging monologues.
Talking about anger rather than feeling anger
Acting angry instead of being angry
Blaming others instead of being angry at ourselves
Resorting to passive-aggressive behavior, such as subtle put downs or Insults.
Can you now see how anger can be a huge obstacle to forgiveness.
You may find that your problem is no longer getting angry but staying angry.
“In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Eph. 4:26-27
Remember: The goal of healthy anger is Healing.
Obstacles to Owning and Expressing Anger Correctly.
There are some very understandable obstacles to forgiveness, there are also a lot of obstacles to owning and expressing anger.
Am I afraid I will discover just how deeply sad and hurt I am underneath all my anger?
Am I afraid I will hurt someone in my anger?
Am I afraid that someone will hurt me if I unleash my anger?
Am I afraid of being known as volatile or unreasonable? Additional Obstacles:
1. Drugs and alcohol are tremendous impediments to getting in touch with and learning to express your anger appropriately. You need to be in a clean, clear, sober state of mind and body in order to receive the gifts that forgiveness brings. Learning the art of forgiveness requires that you be in a physical and mental state receptive to not only do the work but to give the grace that accompanies it.
2. Putting a “D” in front of anger spells “Danger.”
3. Another obstacle is the sense of losing control.
4. Another obstacle to the expression of anger is isolation.
5. If we can’t see our anger, then we don’t have to be embarrassed or ashamed of having it.
6. We might not want to express our anger because we don’t want to feel vulnerable.
7. Expressing anger messes with our perfectionism. Appearing red-faced, with eyes flashing and veins bulging on your neck because you are furious, doesn’t do much for your good looks or your reputation.
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” Ephesians 4:31
Other Things to Remember about Anger
You may wish to directly confront the person who’s the object of your anger – That should only be done when you are sure that you can do so by focusing on the reason and without unnecessarily escalating the conflict.
Often our anger is provoked by our refusal to be flexible.
Learn to respect time and timing!
Our anger can be reduced if we let go of our unrealistic expectations. We can begin to allow others to be imperfect.
The real opposite of anger is not love; it is simply indifference.
Anger often draws attention to a problem but doesn’t do very much to change it.
